OK.......so there I was...... surrounded by the enemy..... well not exactly surrounded, but being laughed at by the enemy (not sure which is worse).... being laughed at by this SHE thing from hell that tried to pass herself off as a raccoon.  But as the heartless, cruel little witch lay there on the pavement hysterically guffawing at me  (she was... she really was laughing... I swear it....), I seized the opportunity, like the grizzled old raccoon tamer I am, to get the best of her and take control!  Yeah!!  While she was convulsed in laughter I grabbed the log chain (read leash) and wrapped it around her neck 30 times!  I had her!!  There was no way she could do any damage now!!!  I had outsmarted her again!!  Someday she'll know just who she is messing with here!!  Laugh at me will you.............. you flea bitten.............. you flea bitten.........THING!!

  Well, my ten minutes of glory lasted all of about 5 seconds........ because she promptly ate the log chain!  That's right, ate it......... silently smirking as she slowly unraveled it from around her neck, savoring every link....... and then sat there calmly picking metal shavings from her teeth with her claws.  Talk about uncouth!!!  Well it was then I snapped.... quite frankly, I'd had it.... I told Sharon I wasn't going to mess with her anymore!  I was done.... finished.... hasta la vista baby!  Sayonara!  Write if you find work and don't even think about passing GO or collecting no $200 either! 
I AM DONE!

  Well Sharon then promptly informed me I couldn't just leave her in the street.  I said I not only could, but that was exactly what I was going to do because I had a hundred dollar bill for the first trucker that could come down the street and turn her into raccoon stew!  SHE would look great as the grill ornament on a 40 ton Mack truck... no question about it!   Move over Mr. Bulldog!!!  I AM DONE!!!

  Well....... expressing my sentiments promptly earned me something called the "evil eye" from my dear wife.  Now let me say here that the "evil eye" is closely related to all the other wife signals men get.... and often don't understand.  Trust me when I tell you I understand my wife's signals very well since I had observed most of what is in her arsenal over the past couple of days!  You know what I mean by the "evil eye" of course..... when they squint one eye and lower the eyebrow at the same time the other eyebrow goes up.... never have figured out how these gals do that!!  All I know is it normally strikes fear into the bravest of men.  It did me.

  Plus, you also need to understand that my wife's love of animals is somewhat legendary, which added fuel to this evil eye syndrome she was now exhibiting.  You see every bird in the neighborhood calls her "Mom", she has never met a stray she didn't like, and the animal kingdom has a lottery to determine who gets to come live at our house.  The last time they relocated prairie dogs around here, there were 500 of them on our front porch yelling... "PICK ME!!!   PICK ME!!!"  So needless to say, (but I'm going to anyway)... my wisecrack about raccoon stew didn't go over real hot with my wife.

  "You've got to get her out of the street!!", Sharon said... "what if something happens to her?"  Yeah... like I should have that kind of luck.  Then a brilliant idea came over me!   Yes!!  Our New Orleans experience had taught me that SHE raccoons don't care for Maltese dogs... so if I went and got one of the Maltese and used it as bait... this Lady Lawn Chair thing was bound to chase it right into the back yard!....Brilliant!!!....Well, this plan got me not one, but two evil eyes from my wife.... and the tapping foot.... and the crossed arms.... sooooooo....... after giving the idea deep and ponderous thought for about 1.5 seconds, I rejected the idea.   There's only so much foot tapping a man can take you know?

  But I wasn't deterred... not a chance!  I promptly marched into the house and grabbed the telephone, called the operator and asked for the number to NASA.   When the space cadet answered, I used my best Tom Hanks impersonation and said....... "Houston..... we've got a problem", knowing that if they can make a space ship fly with duck tape they surely could help me!  Something must have been wrong with the connection though.... because the phone suddenly went dead...... bummer.

  Sharon had followed me in the house for some reason.  When I asked her why she wasn't watching the SHE thing, she told me there were razor blades and pointed sharp objects in the house and she wasn't about to trust me in there alone!  Like I'd been acting weird or something....... sheesh!!  Well it was about then that we noticed a commotion in the back yard..... and you guessed it.... Lady Lawn Chair was involved.  "How did she get back there?", I asked Sharon,  "who opened the gate?"  Well we soon got our answer........ no one had opened the gate....... Lady Lawn Chair had ate it!

  I was in deep thought as to how the combination of the log chain and the wooden gate would affect her digestive system since I would be the one manning the pooper scooper,  when out of the blue the greatest idea of all hit me!!!  Why couldn't we just take this beast to some dog shows, champion her out, then sell her overseas for a kazillion dollars!!!????  I could see no reason why that wouldn't work flawlessly!!!  I ran the idea past Sharon who immediately threw the proverbial monkey wrench into my idea by pointing out Lady Lawn Chair was not a dog.  My wife is such a stickler for details, like this was a huge problem or something!  Sometimes my wife underestimates my brilliance I think.

  But was I deterred?   Noooooooo...... I just coolly picked up the phone and called the AKC, told the AKC lady on the phone I had a new rare breed of dog I wanted recognized by the AKC, that SHE was a real specimen and I knew the AKC would be proud to recognize  this new rare breed!  I looked at Sharon..... my wife of so little faith.... hehe.  Well this AKC lady then spent the next 15 minutes telling me what a male chauvinist pig I was for calling her a "specimen" over the telephone when I hadn't ever laid eyes on her!!  I finally convinced her I was talking about Lady Lawn Chair and not her, so she decided to talk to me..... wow.... was she ever sensitive!

  When I finally got the sensitive AKC lady calmed down enough, she asked me just what breed of dog it was I wanted the AKC to recognize.   Caninus Raccoonus Arrivus Prematuris I told her.  There was a moment of silence on the other end of the phone.  Then the AKC lady said,   "Oh...... a C.R.A.P. dog!".... You got that right lady....hehe......."You want to register a C.R.A.P. dog then, am I right?"   I could hardly contain my glee...... this sensitive AKC lady finally got something right!!

  Then the sensitive AKC lady said, "OK.... since you said it was a she... it must be a bitch...is that correct?"....Oh lady if you only knew.... if you only knew..........  "er... uh....yea.... She's definitely a bitch, NO doubt about that!", I told her.  "In fact if you want details I'd be happy to"...... Well the sensitive AKC lady was obviously getting more sensitive because she interrupted me with a curt...."I get the point already!!"  Then I heard the sensitive AKC lady whispering to someone in the back ground before she suddenly said... "No one here seems to have ever heard of a C.R.A.P. dog...are you sure you aren't pulling my leg?"  Pulling her leg?...she just reamed me out because I called her a specimen and now she thinks I'm pulling her leg?   No way was I answering that question!!!  I didn't just fall off the turnip truck you know!

  Well this little snag called for some quick thinking... which as you have seen I am quite adept at... so I told the AKC sensitive lady this breed had been kind of wild for a while, but now was back in the fold and even though I had the only one around it seemed, I was sure people would love them once they got past the fact they ate log chains for dinner.... and besides.... there would likely be a huge market for magnetic pooper scoopers soon and".......... Well the sensitive AKC lady got even more sensitive on me and interrupted me.....again!   "Just tell me if she has been domesticated!!!", the sensitive AKC lady screeched!  What does she think I am???... stupid??  "Well SHE has at least one time because how else could she have gotten pregnant?", I coolly told her.  You know I really thought those sensitive AKC type ladies knew more about these things.

  A muffled scream came from the telephone that about broke my eardrum and then the AKC sensitive lady bellowed,  "THE AKC IS GOING TO RECOGNIZE YOUR STUPID C.R.A.P.  DOG BREED..............REGISTER YOUR STUPID C.R.A.P.  DOG..... AND HER LITTER OF STUPID C.R.A.P.P.I.E.S...... AND  IF YOU EVER CALL HERE AGAIN YOU WILL BE REPORTED TO THE ASPCA!!!"   Well at the moment the phone line went dead again.  I guess the AKC uses the same phone company as NASA.

  Well I was sooooooo happy!  I was jumping up and down until my laser vision night goggles were down around my nose and I kept telling Sharon.... "We are going to be the first ones to ever show and champion out a C.R.A.P. dog!!!   Yippeeeeeeee!!!" ....Sharon looked at me like I was a lunatic   (she knows better, I know she does....really....).... then said "oh I sincerely doubt that".  I'm not sure what she meant by that really...... have other people championed out C.R.A.P. dogs??

  Well I was really cooking now!  Things were starting to like click!  So where is the next dog show?... When is it?... Got to get the SHE thing entered.... my mind was racing like a freight train!  We'll take good old Lady Lawn Chair to a few shows and she'll be a champion and our troubles are over!!!  People will be standing in line to buy her!!!   Oh joy..oh joy!!!!  If Sharon had not heard the entire conversation  I had with the AKC sensitive lady she wouldn't have believed it!!  I'm not sure she did anyway but she was kind enough not to say so.

  Having solved the little problem of the SHE beast not being a dog.... we went to check on the little fur bag in the back yard...... and promptly discovered it no longer existed.  Lady Lawn Chair had devoured it too!  Grass, shrubs, storage shed, chain link fence and half the sprinkler system.  I mean the entire back yard!  It was like....... gone...... history.  My goodness...... what were we going to feed her?   Fifteen tons of galvanized pipe??  I wasn't sure I was going to survive this.... and at that point wasn't sure I wanted to survive it.  I turned to Sharon and asked her, "Any chance you will change your mind on leaving her out in the street?"  "Yes there are two chances", she told me,  "slim and none..... the asphalt will make her coat oily".  I had never been one to feel sorry for myself, but decided now might be a good time to start.

  As I peered out the window at the rubble that was once my back yard.... and watched this SHE thing from hell swallow the last morsel of a rusty bicycle I wondered to myself how the cruel and fickle finger of fate had managed to change my life in the course of such a short time.  But I knew the answer..... it was New Orleans..... it was that darned underwater place down there in the swamps that was the cause of..... WAIT!!!!  That was it!! The answer!!  Right there in front of my laser night vision goggle adorned nose!!   I began to smile, then started to laugh, then fell to the floor laughing!!!  I was busy rolling around in hysterics when I saw it again.... yes.... the tapping toes attached to my wife...... but this time I didn't care....... I had me a plan!!!!!  Oh was it ever a plan!

Last Chapter
"The End Of The Line"

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