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"The Arrival"

BittyCoon1.gif (3938 bytes) I done told you all....I was set up and waiting for this Lady Lawn Chair thing to arrive at my house.   "Lady Lawn Chair"....what the heck kind of name is that for a raccoon anyway?....oh well.    Then about 6 AM, as I sat in front of my house, the moment arrived....a truck pulled up and stopped in front of my gate.  Well my senses were on immediate alert....this was it!!.... She was here!!!   Now I'd given this whole matter some serious thought you know....and yes sir.... I had me a plan!

bittycoon10.gif (3479 bytes)I raced to the gate and into the street, and sure enough, on the back of this truck was a big green container....the home of the SHE thing from hell.   Well I had decided I was going to lay the law down from the moment she arrived, so I swaggered up to the truck, giving her my best John Wayne swagger moves, and started telling her how the donkeys eat the carrots.  "OK you furry little varmint...don't be coy with me!!..Get your fat fanny out here and I mean NOW!!!"   I was telling her good... I knew she was in there quivering and probably on the verge of tears, but I didn't care!!!

Bittycoon11.gif (4288 bytes)Not wasting a moment I told her I wanted her out of the container and standing in front of me at attention in exactly 10 seconds or there would be heck to pay!  She didn't know who she was dealing with here!  "Come on out you yellow-bellied bag of fur..........OUT!!!"

bittycoon12.gif (2995 bytes) About this time the truck driver walked up and asked me what I was doing.  Now he was kind of a young punk you know...didn't know much obviously.  So I told him how a man had to take control of these her who was boss.  "You can't let them push you around son", I told him in my kind gentle way.

BittyCoon2.gif (3212 bytes) "Uh...uh sir......I don't want no trouble you know", he stammered.... "but I just picked up this porta-potty  out at the construction site and there ain't nobody in there....I swear there ain't!!!"   Well my heart leaped to my throat!!....Not there?...She wasn't in there???    Oh bless you my son!!!  I was about to tell him that I was going to call his boss and tell him this young driver deserved a raise when it registered.......porta-potty?........ PORTA-POTTY??????..... What kind of cruel joke was this???

Bittycoon3.gif (3658 bytes) I looked back at the green container.....sure was a portable toilet....oops. Hehe....well I you know...that this was a ...oh geez...hehe...simple little mistake you know?   The driver said, "I know there ain't nobody in there sir because I tipped it over when I was loading it and if someone would a been in it, I think they would have screamed or something but if you want to look you can go inside and I'm sorry you and your wife are having problems and.....are you OK sir????"

Bittycoon4.gif (4169 bytes) I looked square at this young punk driver....what the heck was the matter with him anyway?  "Of course I'm OK!"  I told him..."why would you think otherwise?"  He looked at me hard.  I saw his eyes move down to my combat boots, then my suit of armor...the twin lawn chairs hanging from my belt, the motorcycle helmet on my head, the laser night vision goggles (OK....I forgot to take them off...big deal)...when he suddenly turned and sprinted to the cab of the truck, hopped in and burned rubber half way down the block, screeched around the corner and went out of sight!!!  As he drove off like a mad man I screamed after him that he could forget about that raise now!!!!

Bittycoon5.gif (3180 bytes) As I turned to go back into the gate there stood my wife, Sharon.  She had this look on her face that I swear was bemusement.  "What was that all about?", she asked me.  Now I have to tell you it's never good to lie, and really dangerous to lie to your wife... but over the years I've learned it's a wee bit hard to explain certain things to wives, so I dodged the bullet and just told her the guy was lost (sort of) and I had given him instructions (kind of).  Then I told her how rude he was and how he had made wisecracks and all... and besides... "he was not a friendly sort anyway".    Sharon just smiled.  I'm kind of thinking she didn't believe me.

bittycoon6.gif (3722 bytes) So I resumed my lonely vigil on my front porch.   Waiting..... waiting......... when suddenly I heard the tornado siren go off!  I must have dozed off because when I jumped to my feet and tried to move I fell flat on my face.  My legs were still asleep!  Don't you just hate when part of you is awake and part is still asleep?  Sharon hates that..........but that's another story.

Bittycoon7.gif (3405 bytes) I crawled through the front door....... "SHE IS HERE!!!!   SHE IS HERE!!!"   I was in total control but Sharon needed to see this!  She needed to see how the guy she married was in TOTAL CONTROL!!

bittycoon8.gif (2381 bytes) Then she calmly reminded me that today was the day they tested the tornado siren and I really needed to take the armor off and lie down because the neighbors were staring at me sitting out front like a lunatic and besides... one of our neighbors is a cop!  Being the quick witted soul I am I responded smartly.........."so?"

Bittycoon9.gif (3247 bytes) Well I promptly ignored her further comments (not a real smart thing to do but hey... I was on a mission here).   As I crawled back out the door I saw the first sign that "Lady Lawn Chair" was finally really here.  Around the corner came 38 motorcycle policemen...... sirens blaring.... lights flashing.... the escort!!!   Resisting the urge to turn and tell my dear wife I knew a raccoon arrival siren when I heard one, I bolted for the front gate!!
                     D-DAY!!!!  SHE WAS FINALLY HERE!!!

BittyCoon1.gif (3938 bytes) Following the motorcycles was an armored personal carrier, 4 Sherman tanks, and a clown on a Moped.... (not sure why he was there)... and then... the truck.  Not just any old truck... but THE TRUCK!   The one with our new house mate, our new bundle of joy, our latest beast... "Lady Lawn Chair"!  It was actually quite a spectacle.  The street in front of our house looked like the Indy 500 gone bad.... cars and stuff everywhere... people milling around... standing behind ropes.... then the CNN trucks arrived, followed by another clown on another Moped... ahhhh.... two clowns.... this was big time!

bittycoon10.gif (3479 bytes) A crew of about 75 men got out and surrounded the shipping container on the back of the semi truck.  And what a shipping container it was.  A stainless steel shark cage, surrounded by 300 tons of lead about 6 foot thick.  Concertina wire was draped all over the container and padlocks the size of footballs were on the doors.   Wow... this trucking company had obviously shipped SHE raccoons before!!  These guys were like............. prepared!!!!!!

Bittycoon11.gif (4288 bytes) A big burly guy walked up to me and said, "This thing yours?"  When I replied yes, sadly she was, he handed me the end of a logging chain.  I guess I must have looked perplexed because he snarled at me.... "it's her leash!!"  Her leash is a logging chain???  Ohhhh myyyyyyy... none the less, I walked to the container, cursing at the clicking sound  the stupid chain made against my armor and really wishing I had taken the laser night vision goggles off   because I was going to look real stupid wearing them on CNN!!

bittycoon12.gif (2995 bytes) The cops cleared the area back about 500 feet or so, the shipping crew carefully cut the concertina wire, the padlocks were undone.... and it was time.... SHE was here.... and it was time to bring her out.  I stood there a minute looking at the lead encased shark container.... who was going to open the door?  I looked at the crew, who all turned their heads..... then finally the big burly guy said "it's your raccoon pal...... you open the door..... I don't get paid enough to mess with that thing!"

BittyCoon2.gif (3212 bytes) At that moment I really wanted to cry.... but decided that would look worse on CNN than my laser night vision goggles.... so I gingerly moved to the container door.  I thought I was going to take control immediately, but the very presence of this SHE thing had somehow humbled me.  I was like putty.... trembling like a leaf in a hurricane.  Then I quickly opened the door latch and jumped back.  Then, like some cheap science fiction movie.............  the screaming started!!!

Bittycoon3.gif (3658 bytes) "PUT THE LEASH ON HER FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!!   WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU MAN???  THERE ARE HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE HERE.... PUT THE LEASH ON HER NOW!!!"     Easy for them to say..................

Bittycoon4.gif (4169 bytes)It suddenly got deathly quiet.....not a sound anywhere.... when out the door of the shipping container came a pointy little head.   The crowd gasped when SHE then stepped out onto the pavement.... and well.... well she looked kind of timid you know?   Hmmmmmmm..... maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all!   So I said hello, asked her how her trip was, and welcomed her to the neighborhood, told her she was looking nice today when all of a sudden she let out a roar that would have intimidated Godzilla!!!

bittycoon6.gif (3722 bytes)People started scrambling for their cars........... running everywhere!!  Total panic set in!!  The cops all took off and I started screaming at Sharon to get the big dogs from the back yard out here NOW!!!    Through the din I heard her yelling back..... "they're gone!!!"    Gone?... They had machine guns and they are gone?????  Darn cowards!!!!!

Bittycoon7.gif (3405 bytes) Then........ then it was just us..... just Lady Lawn Chair and me....... face to face.... staring at each other.  Everyone else had disappeared, there was an eerie silence... it was like a ghost town.  Just me and this SHE thing having this stare down.  I was cursing the fact I still had not taken those darn laser night vision goggles off because SHE couldn't see the determination in my eyes!!  Suddenly and without warning, it happened!!  It was awful!... hideous!... devastating!...unthinkable!... this SHE raccoon flopped over onto her back and started laughing her fool head off!!!  Pointing her clawed paw at me and rolling around convulsed in laughter!  Now between you and me... I didn't know the darn things could laugh, I knew they could flip people off, but no........ SHE was laughing, I know she was laughing.  Once again I cursed the laser vision night goggles...... why hadn't I taken them off?   I know they look funny but this was too much!!!   She was laughing at me!!!   How dare her!!!

bittycoon8.gif (2381 bytes) Well, something had to give here..... we couldn't like stay out there forever you know?  Then, in a flash of brilliance, it came to me.   The solution!!  I had it!!!  Oh joy oh joy!!!  I had her number and she couldn't stop me!!!  I was going to win!!!  Happy days are here again!!!   Or...... or well at least I thought so at the time... sometimes I think I ain't very bright............

Next Chapter
"The Adjustment"

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Revised: 07/25/12 08:07:46 PM