As I turned to go back into the gate there stood my wife, Sharon.  She had this look on her face that I swear was bemusement.  "What was that all about?", she asked me.  Now I have to tell you it's never good to lie, and really dangerous to lie to your wife... but over the years I've learned it's a wee bit hard to explain certain things to wives, so I dodged the bullet and just told her the guy was lost (sort of) and I had given him instructions (kind of).  Then I told her how rude he was and how he had made wisecracks and all... and besides... "he was not a friendly sort anyway".    Sharon just smiled.  I'm kind of thinking she didn't believe me.

So I resumed my lonely vigil on my front porch.   Waiting..... waiting......... when suddenly I heard the tornado siren go off!  I must have dozed off because when I jumped to my feet and tried to move I fell flat on my face.  My legs were still asleep!  Don't you just hate when part of you is awake and part is still asleep?  Sharon hates that..........but that's another story.

I crawled through the front door....... "SHE IS HERE!!!!   SHE IS HERE!!!"   I was in total control but Sharon needed to see this!  She needed to see how the guy she married was in TOTAL CONTROL!!

Then she calmly reminded me that today was the day they tested the tornado siren and I really needed to take the armor off and lie down because the neighbors were staring at me sitting out front like a lunatic and besides... one of our neighbors is a cop!  Being the quick witted soul I am I responded smartly.........."so?"

Well I promptly ignored her further comments (not a real smart thing to do but hey... I was on a mission here).   As I crawled back out the door I saw the first sign that "Lady Lawn Chair" was finally really here.  Around the corner came 38 motorcycle policemen...... sirens blaring.... lights flashing.... the escort!!!   Resisting the urge to turn and tell my dear wife I knew a raccoon arrival siren when I heard one, I bolted for the front gate!!
                     D-DAY!!!!  SHE WAS FINALLY HERE!!!

Following the motorcycles was an armored personal carrier, 4 Sherman tanks, and a clown on a Moped.... (not sure why he was there)... and then... the truck.  Not just any old truck... but THE TRUCK!   The one with our new house mate, our new bundle of joy, our latest beast... "Lady Lawn Chair"!  It was actually quite a spectacle.  The street in front of our house looked like the Indy 500 gone bad.... cars and stuff everywhere... people milling around... standing behind ropes.... then the CNN trucks arrived, followed by another clown on another Moped... ahhhh.... two clowns.... this was big time!

A crew of about 75 men got out and surrounded the shipping container on the back of the semi truck.  And what a shipping container it was.  A stainless steel shark cage, surrounded by 300 tons of lead about 6 foot thick.  Concertina wire was draped all over the container and padlocks the size of footballs were on the doors.   Wow... this trucking company had obviously shipped SHE raccoons before!!  These guys were like............. prepared!!!!!!

A big burly guy walked up to me and said, "This thing yours?"  When I replied yes, sadly she was, he handed me the end of a logging chain.  I guess I must have looked perplexed because he snarled at me.... "it's her leash!!"  Her leash is a logging chain???  Ohhhh myyyyyyy... none the less, I walked to the container, cursing at the clicking sound  the stupid chain made against my armor and really wishing I had taken the laser night vision goggles off   because I was going to look real stupid wearing them on CNN!!

The cops cleared the area back about 500 feet or so, the shipping crew carefully cut the concertina wire, the padlocks were undone.... and it was time.... SHE was here.... and it was time to bring her out.  I stood there a minute looking at the lead encased shark container.... who was going to open the door?  I looked at the crew, who all turned their heads..... then finally the big burly guy said "it's your raccoon pal...... you open the door..... I don't get paid enough to mess with that thing!"

At that moment I really wanted to cry.... but decided that would look worse on CNN than my laser night vision goggles.... so I gingerly moved to the container door.  I thought I was going to take control immediately, but the very presence of this SHE thing had somehow humbled me.  I was like putty.... trembling like a leaf in a hurricane.  Then I quickly opened the door latch and jumped back.  Then, like some cheap science fiction movie.............  the screaming started!!!

"PUT THE LEASH ON HER FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!!   WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU MAN???  THERE ARE HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE HERE.... PUT THE LEASH ON HER NOW!!!"     Easy for them to say..................

It suddenly got deathly quiet.....not a sound anywhere.... when out the door of the shipping container came a pointy little head.   The crowd gasped when SHE then stepped out onto the pavement.... and well.... well she looked kind of timid you know?   Hmmmmmmm..... maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all!   So I said hello, asked her how her trip was, and welcomed her to the neighborhood, told her she was looking nice today when all of a sudden she let out a roar that would have intimidated Godzilla!!!

People started scrambling for their cars........... running everywhere!!  Total panic set in!!  The cops all took off and I started screaming at Sharon to get the big dogs from the back yard out here NOW!!!    Through the din I heard her yelling back..... "they're gone!!!"    Gone?... They had machine guns and they are gone?????  Darn cowards!!!!!

Then........ then it was just us..... just Lady Lawn Chair and me....... face to face.... staring at each other.  Everyone else had disappeared, there was an eerie silence... it was like a ghost town.  Just me and this SHE thing having this stare down.  I was cursing the fact I still had not taken those darn laser night vision goggles off because SHE couldn't see the determination in my eyes!!  Suddenly and without warning, it happened!!  It was awful!... hideous!... devastating!...unthinkable!... this SHE raccoon flopped over onto her back and started laughing her fool head off!!!  Pointing her clawed paw at me and rolling around convulsed in laughter!  Now between you and me... I didn't know the darn things could laugh, I knew they could flip people off, but no........ SHE was laughing, I know she was laughing.  Once again I cursed the laser vision night goggles...... why hadn't I taken them off?   I know they look funny but this was too much!!!   She was laughing at me!!!   How dare her!!!

Well, something had to give here..... we couldn't like stay out there forever you know?  Then, in a flash of brilliance, it came to me.   The solution!!  I had it!!!  Oh joy oh joy!!!  I had her number and she couldn't stop me!!!  I was going to win!!!  Happy days are here again!!!   Or...... or well at least I thought so at the time... sometimes I think I ain't very bright............

Next Chapter
"The Adjustment"