I told everyone before how I managed to survive against that killer raccoon in New Orleans, and I thought that was the end of my raccoon legacy...........but noooooooo......as usual, fate would intervene again (don't you just hate when that happens?)....and I would have to endure even more RIT.............(Raccoon Induced Trauma).
After we escaped....er returned.....from New Orleans things got back to normal, which at our house isn't very normal at all but that's beside the point. Anyway I come home from work one day and Sharon tells me she won some contest thingamabob. Now that is a good thing.......... contest winning is good......very good.......unless the prize you win is another dad gum raccoon!!!
Can you believe it??....Sharon wins a prize in a contest and it has to be another raccoon!! Why couldn't it have been the lottery????????? Well at first I did not believe it....which tells you how bright I am I guess......cuz when she told me that a raccoon was the prize she had won I knew she was kidding and quickly proceeded to fall to the floor in a fit of laughter. HAHAHA......oh this was just too good.......she really thought I'd fall for a cruel joke like that?...HAHAHA....another raccoon?....Oh that's priceless!.......What a kidder my wife is!!! HAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
A slight problem soon surfaced though.....as I was wallowing around on the floor laughing my fanny off (not an easy thing to do mind you)....I noticed something odd. There in front of me was a tapping foot........you know the kind.......like when someone is keeping the beat to music. Only problem was.....there was no music. Now I've been married long enough to know the "tapping foot" routine when there ain't no music. Only one thing worse......the tapping foot accompanied by crossed arms. From my vantage point on the floor I swallowed hard.... then peeked up at what was attached to that tapping foot........and .....uh oh....... sure enough..........there they were......crossed arms!!!!!
Now if a tapping foot means trouble (and it usually does)... the combination of the tapping foot and crossed arms is like hitching a ride on the Titanic........this is serious business!! A moment of quiet hysteria came over me as I wondered to myself what her problem was......I mean she couldn't be serious about this raccoon being her prize and all..........could she? Well that moment of quiet hysteria quickly blossomed into full fledged heavy metal rock band variety hysteria when I leaped to my feet....looked into her eyes......and she said, without the slightest bit of sympathy for me, "I'm serious. We won a raccoon and she will be here tomorrow. Deal with it!!"
Now as you have learned, I'm a pretty calm guy under pressure. Not everyone can fight off a 450 pound raccoon you know....but Sharon used the one word I did not wish to hear.....the one word that strikes terror into the hearts of anyone who knows anything about raccoons.....she said the word "she". SHE!!! We were going to be cursed with a SHE raccoon!!! A SHE one!! Not a self respecting sensible law abiding HE one....but a SHE one!!! Why can't it be a HE one I asked her? SHE ones are mean and vile and they smell bad and they have no sense of humor and they don't like men and if it was a HE one we might do some male bonding and maybe catch a ball game or something but noooooooooo...........it had to be a SHE one!!!!
Sharon told me to stop my sniveling and just be happy she had won a contest. Well I wasn't sniveling.........I was crying..........sobbing uncontrollably actually......and you'd think she would have picked up on that....... really........I thought she was more observant.....Oh well. Now you've all heard the term "when the other shoe drops"? Well my dear wife saved the shoe and instead let the other boot drop at that moment. Now I don't mean just any old boot......this was a size 88 steel toed heavy duty jackboot.....the kind Paul Bunyan and the Jolly Green Giant wear.....she went right for the jugular when she told me this varmint coming to live with us was PREGNANT!!!!!
I stood there staring at her for awhile with a dumb look on my face, something at which I have become quite accomplished at doing, by the way. "SHE is going to have babies?", I asked. Sharon gave me another of those "looks".......then said that as far as she knew, yes......being pregnant meant SHE would have babies unless the rules had changed and raccoons could be pregnant without having babies but she seriously doubted that and if I really wanted to know, I could look it up on the Internet. Golly......a simple "yes" would have sufficed nicely I think.
Well anyway......I can honestly say that I didn't panic at that moment. Later on I did, but at that moment it was more like mass hysteria accompanied by sheer unadulterated terror!!! You know the kind...where they call the law and men in white coats come with nets and court orders to put you away. And then.... without warning.... the flashbacks began..The snarling teeth, clawing their way into my memory...the slashing claws, teething their way into my memory.....the hissing and the spitting and the trauma of that fateful New Orleans day!!! It all came roaring back!! It even started to rain at that moment.....inside the house!!! (Hey.....when I have flashbacks I don't mess around!). I glanced over at Sharon and she was scowling.....I guess she didn't like the furniture getting wet or something. Scowling, by the way, ranks right up there with tapping feet and crossed arms but hey....this was HER fault anyway!!!!
Despite this momentary lapse in control, I knew this called for clear thinking.......I had to remain calm. So I casually opened my umbrella, acting for all the world like it rained inside our house EVERY day.....and went to the telephone. I quickly called Joe's House Moving Service and asked them if they could move my home to outer Mongolia by....oh...say maybe 8 AM the next morning. They said it was somewhat questionable because they were booked up solid. Drat it all anyway!!! A good house mover is sure hard to find these days!!
Well I wasn't about to let a small snag destroy my entire mission, so I went and got a hammer, went outside, and calmly started to pry the house numbers off the front of the house. Wood chips were flying I tell you! I had a pile of kindling there knee high when Sharon came out and told me that she knew what I was doing...but that I obviously did not. Huh???? Then she told me the numbers on the front of the house were painted on and she wanted the siding I had torn off replaced IMMEDIATELY! Gee whiz......it was just a few sheets.....what's the big deal anyway?
She then told me I was wasting my time anyway because she had given the trucking company delivering this varmint explicit instructions on getting to our house.....so it didn't matter if the house numbers were there or not. She had told them our house was right next door to the liquor store and there was NO WAY the trucker could miss it. Briefly I wondered if I could purchase the liquor store's entire stock of booze and consume it before SHE got here.....but decided that might not be wise. Then..........INSPIRATION!!!!!!!!!!!! I quickly ran next door and asked the owners if they could tear the entire store down by 8 AM the next morning, without leaving a trace of evidence that it had been there. That way the trucking people would NEVER find my house!! Now.....being the sharp-eyed observer of human behavior (hey....I picked up on the foot tapping thing didn't I????)...I immediately sensed they were less than enthusiastic about my idea. Actually they thought it stunk. I started explaining that SHE was coming and if they didn't help me that SHE would be their neighbor and.......well they started dialing 911. Boy....good neighbors are sure hard to find these days!!!
So with my head hung low......I shuffled back to my house....I was finished....done...SHE was coming.......and I couldn't stop her. Sharon was waiting for me. Now my wife is a very thoughtful and caring lady. After the vicious New Orleans attack, where I had risked life and limb and various and sundry parts of my anatomy to save her Maltese dogs from the killer SHE raccoon, Sharon actually asked me if I had hurt that Louisiana reprobate in our skirmish. Nothing but lawn chair imprints in her fur I had told her then. But now....now....after the fact....oh how I wished that....oh if I had only had a....well never mind. Anyway, Sharon was there waiting for me. She told me it would be all right....I was a grown man and she was sure I could adjust to "Lady Lawn Chair". I love my wife.... but had she been in a cave the last few hours?? She really needs to be more observant sometimes you know?
Needless to say, from then on I spent a calm relaxing evening. Kind of like being on death row, you know? You read a few books....kick back with a soft drink....admire the stars and hope to heck tomorrow never gets here. I gave some thought to postponing the next day, or maybe just skipping it entirely, but didn't know who to call to arrange it. Well actually I did know who to call but didn't have the number handy, and wasn't sure the idea would be received warmly anyway.
So instead, I spent a lonely vigil outside on my front porch all night long. Waiting....watching....eyes piercing the night sky for a sign....a noise....anything that would let me know this Lady Lawn Chair SHE thing from hell was arriving. About 2 AM I heard noises from the back yard. "This is it boys", I said. Then I wondered who the heck I was talking to since there wasn't anyone else around....oh well. Undaunted, I donned my suit of armor and mustering up every ounce of courage I had....I went into the back yard. Peering through my laser vision night goggles I could see nothing to indicate SHE had arrived....not yet anyway. Then I noticed a commotion along the back fence. We have several larger dogs back there, and could see they were up to something.
Upon closer inspection I understood. All along the back fence were several foxholes that each one of the dogs had dug. Every dog was in a foxhole in full battle dress, manning 45 caliber machine guns, all trained on the gate leading into the back yard. Aha.... obviously Sharon had told them SHE was coming! Well.... maybe this was the place to be when that moment arrived. So I climbed into a foxhole with a one-eyed old grizzled chow mix we have had for years when he unceremoniously tossed me right back out and barked at me to dig my own foxhole and stay the heck out of his!!! I told him that was a very unkind thing for him to do and brushed myself off.
I looked into every other foxhole back there and each was manned by one of our larger dogs, and everytime I approached one....it growled. I decided that this was not going to work too well, so making a mental note to reduce the number of dog biscuits for these selfish furballs when this was all over....I went back to my post in front of the house.
Well 14 pots of coffee later....yes pots, not cups.... the sun decided to come up. I muttered a few words about that big red ball's common sense in even showing up that day but it didn't seem to matter. It was D-Day. SHE was coming.... and I couldn't stop her! All I could do was wait....and wonder....and oh yeah....I cried a lot too....but I also knew by the next day it would be all over. Well maybe....or was it just the beginning????
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